Revising with Williams

Posted: October 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

Original version found under the art program.

“The Art Department at EMU consists of four undergraduate programs in studio art, art history, and art education. They are tightly interrelated in their sharing of faculty, facilities, resources and a common interest in the understanding, creation and advancement of visual art. Synergies develop between areas, students and faculty as they work to support each others’ goals. The four programs that make up the Art Department range in size and focus from the Visual Arts Education program that has led its peers in the outstanding preparation of art teachers, to an art history program that not only helps EMU art and general education students understand their shared visual culture, but has provided additional leadership and outreach to the community through its support of speakers and the development of exhibitions of historical and contemporary art and artists. The B.F.A. program leads the department with the greatest number of majors, and is recognized for its excellence in the preparation of studio artists.”

Revised version.

The Art Department at EMU consists of four undergraduate programs in studio art, art history, and art education; all of which share a common interest in the understanding of creation and advancement of visual art where students and faculty work together to support each others’ goals. These programs range in size and focus from the Visual Arts Education program that has led its peers in preparation of art teachers, to an art history program that not only helps general education students understand their shared visual culture, but has provided additional leadership and outreach to the community through its support of speakers and the development of exhibitions of historical and contemporary art and artists.

I focused on chapters one and seven for my revision because I feel like a lot of times people add more words to make their sentences more complex than they need to be. In the version that they have written there is information that I felt wasn’t really needed. It’s kind of cheesey to put “teachers and students work together to meet each others’ goals”, not only that, but have it written as, “They are tightly interrelated in their sharing of faculty, facilities, resources and a common interest in the understanding, creation and advancement of visual art. Synergies develop between areas, students and faculty as they work to support each others’ goals.”- I just think that this whole sentence isn’t necessary. Although I did edit it to much simpler terms. I would also like to point out that Art majors are not English majors so I don’t think the complex “lingo” is really effective, it could be seen as just confusing. The first time I read the passage I was just like, “wait what?” Because it crammed too much information into few sentences without the content holding a lot of importance. That’s not to say that whoever wrote this doesn’t say important things, but in my opinion this isn’t an effective way to get me into the arts.

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